The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize