shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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