I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
