Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
