I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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