Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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