But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
