What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
