I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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