My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize