Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
