so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
