i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize