to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
