I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
