I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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