i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
