Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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