my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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