Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
