My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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