I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I love you.
Bad choice
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
