i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
