Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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