i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
