i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
