I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
