my phone needs a breathalizer
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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