Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
