an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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