'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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