time to smoke my breakfast
my shit smells like andre
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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