she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
