dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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