I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize
