My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
