and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
