I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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