It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize