fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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