I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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