why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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