I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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