Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
