We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
