I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
