Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
