our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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