Where is the hickey?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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