It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
