she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
