Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
