ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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