hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
