Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
