I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
