yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
