so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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