No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
