her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
