Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
