just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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