Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
