he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
