My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
