May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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