Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
In America we eat man semen.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
