So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
