you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
