I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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