They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
