Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
